


She Used To Be Mine

by VividDayDreamer



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: AgentCorp, Don’t copy to another site, F/F, Heartache, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, Loss of Trust, Mistakes, Post-Break Up, Regret, Song Based, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-03
Updated: 2019-08-03
Packaged: 2020-07-29 16:04:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20084959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VividDayDreamer/pseuds/VividDayDreamer
Summary: It's been many weeks since Lena broke up with Alex; many weeks which should have given Alex time to heal, but she hasn't.  She didn't.She fell in love too fast and too deep, and now she hurts from the loss.It's been many weeks, and today, she feels it all just as if it were yesterday.





	She Used To Be Mine

**Author's Note:**

>   

> 
> I broke them. I'm sorry...
> 
> ** WARNING: Turn away now if you don't want to be audience to this heartache. Heed the tags folks.**  

> 
> Another song based fic. ["She Used to Be Mine" by Sara Bareilles](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=53GIADHxVzM) (Link to song)
> 
> **Bonus**: [Jeremy Jordan (Winn) singing his rendition of it.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=chkOkcEFGM0)
> 
> Thanks for reading.
> 
>   

> 
>   


Though her eyes were shut tight of her own doing, Alex was awake, or rather, had just awoken. Her mind, broken from its slumber, was unsurprisingly alert. Hesitant to check, she picked up her head and squinted her eyes to look at the clock. 3:17am. She huffed with annoyance, then dropped her head back onto her pillow; the impact like a bag full of rocks, tossed carelessly into a tranquil lake. Her sleep had been restless for weeks now. Waking in the middle of the night was no longer a strange occurrence, and more like an expected one. And, although she knew it'd be another sleepless night, it never failed to be annoying. She turned on her side, towards the middle of the bed. Her arm, out of habit, reached over, and fell flat onto cold sheets. Her eyes opened slowly to confirm. In her sleep deprived state, she wished she had just missed Lena's body. In the darkness, though much was hard to make out, the lack of a figure was clear as day; no one laid there, and hadn't, for many weeks.

A slow trickle of tears formed at the corners of her eyes, then proceeded to cascade down her cheeks, and landed heavily on her pillow. She flopped on her back and helplessly threw the arm of her empty hand onto her face. The crying had continued since the break-up, though they were silent these days, and not the chest-jerking, gut-wrenching sobs they used to be. Alex tried to believe it was a sign of healing, but it still hurt nonetheless; the ache hadn't gotten better. The idea of Lena being gone, just tore at her heart like no other. It maybe even rivaled that of when she'd lost Maggie. Perhaps, because with Maggie, at least the break-up was amicable.

Like most nights, she just let herself feel pathetic, lost in herself, face wet with tears, arms damp, and pillow soaked, until she calmed. Eyes puffy and tired, nose stuffed up and dripping all at the same time, she'd lay there, crying herself to sleep or forcing herself up with hopeless energy. Today, it was the latter. After her eyes were sore and the weeping subsided, she slowly sat up, pulled up the collar of her shirt, ducked her face into it and wiped away the evidence that lingered on her face. 3:45 am. She let out a shuddering breath, then decided to get up.

  
  


_It's not simple to say_  
_That most days I don't recognize me_

  
  


Legs heavy and almost unwilling, she dragged herself to the bathroom to clean up. Alex navigated through the darkness until she was able to slap on the light switch. When the light flashed mercilessly into the room, she squinted; her eyes trying to adjust. When they did, they fell onto her reflection in the mirror. Her sorry self stood defeated. Her nose red and eyes stricken with bags from the lack of sleep, now combined with the puffiness from all the crying. This wasn't the image of the confident DEO Director, Alex Danvers. No, this was a shell, one that had been beaten relentlessly through her own demons, destroying her more than any alien encounter, and left her horrid and tattered. This wasn't Alex Danvers, DEO Director. This was Alex Danvers, the helpless fuck-up.

  
  


_That these shoes and this apron_  
_That place and it's patrons_  
_Have taken more than I gave them_

  
  


When she finished blowing her nose and washing her face, she steadied herself, then made her way into the kitchen. Feet comforted in slippers, it spared her from the cold jolt from the tile floors, easily allowing her to walk over and settle by the coffee machine. She set it up, then leaned down against the counter, as she took in the calming white noise of its hissing and bubbling. Her eyes shut for a moment; they were tired, just like she was. When the sounds ceased, she filled her cup, but ultimately cursed when she spilt some accidentally onto the counter, and splashed her hand with scolding liquid. Her coordination has been suffering these days as well.

Alex placed the coffee pot down, and aimlessly reached over to grab a towel to clean up the mess. She fisted the fabric in her hand, ready to wipe up the spill, when her eyes caught onto the black and white pattern of it. It wasn't a towel. It was Alex's apron. Lena had given it to her when they were first learning to cook together, in order to help shield her from the mess that they'd inadvertently always make. Her hands clenched harder at the fabric as her eyes welled up and spilled down her face once more. Her sobs were harder this time. The memory was vivid enough to remove any restraints she had. Alex crumbled to the floor then, with her head bowed low; the apron held onto her face as she wept into it.

She remembered. She remembered the domestic feel of what she used to have. There was the idea of padding her way into the kitchen, cold tiles against her feet, because she'd offered her slippers to Lena that morning, to spare her from the same fate. When Alex had gotten there, she wrapped herself up around Lena. Her arms slipped in around the woman's waist, with her nose nuzzled up against the base of Lena's neck, all while her girlfriend made coffee.

  
  


_"Morning, love," Lena giggled, feeling the loving affection from Alex._

_"Morning," Alex mumbled, then placed a soft kiss against Lena's skin._

_"Breakfast?"_

_Head still buried at the base of her neck, Alex cooed happily. "Mmmm...I'd want to, but then we'd have to go out. I'm not ready to leave yet."_

_"Well then, we make it here."_

  


_Lena then wormed her way out of Alex's hold and walked out towards the living space. She dug into her small weekender bag, and pulled something out. When she returned, she handed the package to Alex._

  


_"Hm?" Alex hummed in confusion, tilting her head._

_"Open it, you dork," Lena chuckled._

  


_Alex chuckled, then proceeded to unfold the bag. She reached in and pulled out a black and white apron with minimalistic, but elegant designs. A small label was affixed by the neckline with the words, "Williams Sonoma", printed on it._

  


_"An apron? You know I don't cook, right?"_

_"And that's why I'll teach you. It's also why I had groceries delivered here yesterday," Lena smiled. "Come on, Director. Let's make some breakfast."_

  
  


That first attempt didn't go very well. There were accidental spills, over cooked and burnt items, and a few mishaps that nearly made the place catch on fire. Lena didn't think making eggs, bacon and toast would prove difficult, but it was. Everything that could have gone wrong, practically did. They both laughed though, realizing that it'd take much more practice on Alex's part, just to get the basics down. With a failed attempt under their belts, they decided to just go to "Crepe Cafe," Lena's favorite brunch spot. Alex hadn't been there before, but after, she learned to love it. The savory smells, the welcoming smiles from the wait staff, the delightful patrons, the eclectic decor, and the delicious food, had ruined her. She never wanted to have breakfast at any other place again.

Alex buried her face in the fabric, frantically sobbing, as she tortured herself with the memory. Lena was gone, had been for many weeks, and yet her presence still lived in her home.

  


* * *

  


Later that day, after a hot shower, some Advil, a breakfast sandwich in her belly, make-up on her face, and her badass DEO uniform on, Alex entered HQ as if it was another day; and it was. Her stern, guiding and kind attitude was what her agents saw; their fearless leader, returned. However, inside, Alex was broken, same as she always had been, for so long now. She hid her pain behind the mask she needed to wear, because life didn't stop for heartbreak. Aliens continued to cause chaos for the lives of victims who were undeserving, and she needed to be there to protect them. She always protected them.

As the day wound down, after a long day of political battles on the phone, paperwork and a number of minor alien-related disruptions, Alex found herself in the kitchen, making the seventh cup of coffee for the day. Or eighth? She'd lost track. Her body desperately depended on the caffeine to make it through her day. Those sleepless nights continued to take a toll on her body.

  
  


_It's not easy to know_  
_I'm not anything like I used to be_

  
  


Coffee black, mug hot in her hands, she walked down the hallway to head back to her office and finish up the day. She stopped suddenly, taken aback by a brunette in a white coat, her back facing Alex as she worked in the lab.

  


_It's not Lena... It can't be... _

  


And it couldn't have been. After the incident between Alex, the DEO and Lena, the L-Corp CEO decided to cut ties to the organization. Between both Danverses, Lena had had enough. So Alex watched, her hands gripped mercilessly at her mug, despite how hot it was. Her senses were stilled; eyes locked onto the woman with dark hair pulled back in a messy bun, and with skin so pale as if she had never seen the sun.

  


_Lena..._

  


And she watched, until the woman turned to look back into the microscope on the desk. No, it wasn't Lena. But the sheer similarity caused Alex to shatter at the memory of her ex, who once worked closely with her in that very lab. They looked at specimens together. They theorized together. There were stolen kisses and loving laughter. And there were hands that brushed against each other, when they reached for the same object.

She wanted to break down right there and then, but couldn't. She couldn't. Not here... She couldn't.

She took a deep breath, swallowed the lump in her throat, and blinked away those damn tears that threaten to fall again. Her resolve started to falter though, as her eyes remained focused on the ghost of Lena in that lab, and she nearly cracked, saved only by the interception of a body between her and that vision. A familiar strong frame of red and blue with golden blonde locks, now stood before her. Alex felt the warm touch of a hand on her shoulder.

  


"Alex, are you alright?"

  


Alex looked up, focused on those big blue, loving eyes. She searched them for comfort, while her own made quick, darting movements; half searching, half hiding her pain. But those blue orbs, ones that once soothed her in a way that no one else could, instead heightened the pain she felt, because it was _her_. _She_ was the reason things fell apart. But no, it wasn't hers at the same time. Kara wasn't to blame. Alex would've sided with her sister till the day she died. Still, a conflict of interest sought blame, accusing one, Lena Luthor. The evidence and facts lined up, despite the pleading and arguing of her girlfriend. Add on top of that, the historical tension between the two ex-best friends, and it was a cocktail for disaster. And by instinct, by reaction, Alex stood beside facts. She stood behind her sister. And in that very second, she threw away the fragile trust she'd worked so hard to build with Lena.

  
  


_"Lena!" Alex called out, running after the woman who was now storming out of the DEO. "Lena! Wait!"_

_"Stay away from me, Alex," Lena responded coldly, not turning around to even face her accuser. She halted only when a firm grasp on her arm forced her to stop. Lena stared harshly. The pain caused by the betrayal was locked behind those walls and stuffed into boxes, hidden from anyone who didn't know any better. But she knew. Alex saw how just much she'd hurt her. The cold look reflected in those green eyes were proof enough._

_"Lena...," she breathed. "I'm sorry...I just...everything lined up and I have to...I can't ignore that. I have to follow the leads as they come and—"_

_"You don't trust me."_

_"No! It's not that. I swear. Lena, please understand. I just need to find a way to discredit all those facts and—"_

_"Alex. Look at me. Look me in the eyes and tell me that you don't believe a word of any that, so called 'evidence'."_

  


_Alex stared into those familiar green eyes, and there was no doubt of the sadness within them. Worry, doubt, and fear, were not too far off. A second passed. Then two. And Alex couldn't find it in her heart to dismiss evidence so freely. Logic dictated that there must be some truth, based on the amount of data that had piled up against her, even if her heart wanted to say there wasn't. And as a flash of that thought came crashing into her head, it was as if Lena saw it all as well. She suddenly broke away from Alex's weakened hold and stormed off. Alex didn't bother to stop her that time. Her betrayal locked down her movement. Her feet, heavy as if weighed down with iron shackles around her ankles. And as she saw Lena's car drive away, frantic, speeding, tires screeching on the concrete surface, Alex knew she'd lost her, because she'd done the one thing she swore she'd never do._

  
  


_Although it's true_  
_I was never attention's sweet center_  
_I still remember that girl_

  
  


"Alex?" Kara asked again, more concerned than before. The silence that passed weighed heavy, and Kara knew her sister wasn't alright. "What's wrong?"

  


Alex snapped out of the memory and refocused on her sister. The blonde had a weak smile plastered on her perfect face, with her perfect hair, those big blue, kind eyes, and... Alex couldn't hate her. It wasn't her fault, and yet she couldn't help but hold resentment on how her sister had always stolen things from her life. It was never intentional, just life and the circumstances that befell them. But still...

  


"I'm fine, Kara," Alex responded curtly, finally managing to find her voice. 

  


She slipped out slowly and purposefully, away from Kara's hold, and walked past her in silence, returning her on her path back to her office. Kara turned and watched as the distance grew between her and her sister. She frowned, doing so when she was hurt—whenever she couldn't be what Alex needed, to feel better.

When Alex finally reached her office, she shut the door behind her. She stopped and stared at the button on the handle. In a rash decision, she decided to push it, to lock herself in that sunless, windowless room. She needed a moment. Just a single moment to cry for the third time that day, to let it all out, in order to continue on.

She put her coffee aside and plopped onto her office chair. Hesitation came once more. A split-second decision weighed on her mind, and she gave in. She pulled open her drawer and grabbed a half-empty bottle that was once full earlier that week. Alex took out an accompanying glass, then proceeded to pour a hefty helping of that amber gold. Today had been harder on her than normal.

Alex then took the drink to her mouth, let the harsh tasting liquid touch her lips, coat her tongue, burn down her throat, warm her chest and sink into her stomach. The burn was a welcomed feeling. There was comfort to the sensation it left her. She closed her eyes and sunk back into her chair. A tempting thought then crossed her mind, and she hesitated again, knowing that this decision could break her, but she needed it. Right? Yea...she needed it.

Alex slipped her phone from her pocket, unlocked it, tapped at the screen, and entered her photo gallery. Her phone was still full of photos of her and Lena; endless selfies from so many random moments captured. She scrolled until she reached one that caught her eye. It was the very first photo they'd ever taken together. It was outside Noonan's. They were leaving the restaurant together, holding hands, and giggling at something so unimportant that Alex couldn't even remember what it was. An older woman had stopped them to tell them what a beautiful couple they were, and offered to take a photo of them to capture that moment, so that they could see what she saw. And when all was said and done, that woman was right. The sun hit them the right way and they glowed. They glowed in the sun. They glowed with love. The picture was perfect. There were wrinkles by their eyes, mouths wide with smiles, heads leaned against each other, and Lena's body was turned to wrap her arms around her girlfriend. _Her girlfriend_.

Alex's eyes watered, tears barely held back from falling at the thought. She was once Lena's. Once hers... And it was then that her mind started to fill with everything Lena.

  
  


_She's imperfect, but she tries_  
_She is good, but she lies_  
_She is hard on herself_  
_She is broken and won't ask for help_  
_She is messy, but she's kind_  
_She is lonely most of the time_  
_She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie_  
_She is gone, but she used to be mine_

  
  


And she stared at the photo, zooming in close to fill the screen with Lena's beautiful face. There was no holding back then. Those salty streams cascaded down her cheeks, flowing like they had been, all day long. Alex longed to be able to touch Lena's face again. To cup her face and kiss those lips. To have her heart soar at the tender touches. But instead, it ached. It ached and it ached. And all Alex had left, was to cry.

Her moment of mourning was disrupted by the sudden ringing of her phone. Hope catches her breath for a second, but disappeared, as her eyes fell onto the name and picture on the screen. Mara. 

Alex wiped her eyes, and steeled herself before answering it.

  


"Hey," she responded weakly; her voice a bit hoarse.

_"Hey baby."_

"Everything okay?"

_"Yea, just missed you. How are you?"_

"Good. Busy. You know. Work."

  


Alex tried to keep her voice neutral, but her words were abrupt. Her mind couldn't focus on anything except wanting to get off the call. She wasn't emotionally ready to handle a full conversation with Mara. It wasn't fair for the other woman.

  


_"Okay, I'm sorry to bother you. I just—"_

"No, it's okay. Thank you for calling."

  


Alex back-pedalled. It wasn't Mara's fault either. Mara deserved to be treated kindly, because she too, was a wonderful person.

  


"I just have to go. Okay? I'm sorry."

_"That's fine. I understand. Work and all. Will you be free tonight?"_

"I...I can't promise anything. I'm sorry."

_"Call me then?"_

"Okay. I will."

  
  


_It's not what I asked for_  
_Sometimes life just slips in through a backdoor_  
_And carves out a person and makes you believe it's all true_  
_And now I've got you_  
_And you're not what I asked for_

  
  


And Alex heard the relief and happiness in the sigh over the phone, and in that moment, she felt so fake, and so horrible. Mara wasn't Lena. Mara was a new fixture in her life. She was kind and supportive, but Alex didn't love her; she just sort of liked her a bit. They weren't even officially dating yet. They had hooked up one night and Mara stuck around. Most times, Alex didn't mind. It was nice to have someone around, but still, she wasn't Lena.

  
  


_If I'm honest, I know I would give it all back_  
_For a chance to start over and rewrite an ending or two_  
_For the girl that I knew_

_Who'll be reckless, just enough_  
_Who'll get hurt, but who learns how to toughen up_  
_When she's bruised and gets used by a man who can't love_  
_And then she'll get stuck_  
_And be scared of the life that's inside her_  
_Growing stronger each day 'til it finally reminds her_  
_To fight just a little, to bring back the fire in her eyes_  
_That's been gone, but used to be mine_  
_Used to be mine_

  
  


Lena was fire. Lena was power. Lena was strong. Lena was brilliant. Lena was a relentless woman, who fought for herself, and fought against the oppression of the world around her, while doing it in the most noble way she knew how. Yet, Lena was soft. Lena was loving. Lena was kind. And she deserved everything she was ever denied. Lena...set her heart ablaze.

Alex had Lena once. She _was_ Lena's. Lena _was_ hers. Once upon a time...

  


"I'll talk to you later, okay?" Alex responded, choking back the tears.

"Okay. Talk to you later."

  


And Alex could almost see that sweet smile on Mara's face, and it made her sick to her stomach to know that she couldn't fully give that woman what she deserved, because her heart still belonged to someone else.

Alex ended the call and tossed the device across her desk. It was a contradicting contraption, holding a history of calls from Mara, while also housing the numerous photos and selfies with Lena. It was all too much and all she wanted was Lena.

She hastily grabbed her drink and downed the entire glass, desperate for something to numb the pain and end her suffering, if only for a brief moment that day.

  


* * *

  


A few hours later, Alex found herself at some hole-in-the-wall bar, sick and tired of the crying, and wanting to just be alone, yet some place not. Some place she could be a faceless name in the crowd. There was solace there. The comfort of strangers to distract her, but who weren't obligated nor bothersome enough to do so. She nursed her third drink, fingertips holding onto the rim as she raised it up and swirled it around. Her eyes were happy to fixate on something so mesmerizing and different, calming and serene, and she almost got lost in it, when a sound cut through the jumbled up voices of the bar.

Alex immediately put her glass down and stared at it, as if its offended her senses, causing painful hallucinations so early that evening. But then she heard it again. And this time, it was clearer. It was distinct. And it pierced her soul.

She raised her head and spun around. Her eyes darted between drunken patrons both near and far, and her ears perked up. Alex then heard it again, and her head turned towards the gaming area. With all the people around, she couldn't get a good view. She stood up. Slowly. Hesitantly. Each step fearful. Her body trembled. Behind a towering group of men who appeared to be part of a motorcycle gang, Alex finally saw past the crowd. The source was no illusion. It _was_ her. It _was_ Lena. 

Her teeth ground down, her jaw trembled, and her fists ball up unknowingly as she stared. Lena looked happy, with wholesome laughter escaping her lungs the same way she used to with her. Though now, another woman hovered over Lena; they were playing pool together. The light brown haired woman was helping her aim. A shaky smile formed on Alex's face. She'd tried to teach Lena to play pool a time or two, and as bad as she was, Alex even promised her that they'd work on it together, until Lena could manage to properly work out the angles and physics of the game. Now, someone else had taken her place. Someone's taken the laughter that was once hers. Someone's stolen those soft touches. And someone's now claimed the kisses that once was meant for her lips, and hers alone.

  
  


_She is messy, but she's kind_  
_She is lonely most of the time_  
_She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie_  
_She is gone, but she used to be mine_

  
  


Alex continued to stare painfully, unable to tear herself away from the sight. Her chest constricted, her fists clenched harder, and a wave of frustration and sadness flushed through her body. The familiar tears fell once more and she had to bring her balled up hand to her mouth to prevent herself from outright sobbing in public. And when Alex realized she could no longer hold herself together, when she's hurting too much, and when the pain was too strong, she decided to leave. In a furious attempt to get away from there, she ran, stumbling past people and stools and obstacles and everything that stood between her and the door.

And when she was finally free, the cold air rushed into her lungs as her first breath was made and she inhaled deeply. She was gasping with relief from that stuffy, overbearing atmosphere; her chest rising and falling with jerky, stuttering movements. However, her feet hadn't stopped moving. It took her away, so she ran. She ran and ran and run, until she lost her breath, coughing and heaving, and found herself on the corner of a street she didn't quite recognize. She hunched against a large brownstone building, hands stretched out and pushed against it, and her head was lowered as she tried to regain oxygen to her lungs. She rolled over to put her back against the cold masonry, then buried her head in her hands and wept out uncontrollably. Lena was gone. The wonderful woman she loved, was no longer hers. All because _she_ messed up, and Lena never forgave her.

Alex slumped to the ground and pulled her knees into her chest. It was dark and cold there. The dim orange light from the lamp post across the street barely illuminated the area. Pockets of shadows were abundant. It was quiet. She was alone. She was safe to fall apart there. She just needed a moment... 

She'd get through this. She knew it. But today..., today had been the hardest day since the break-up, and Alex felt just as broken as if it were yesterday. She breathed, jagged breaths. Her face, left cold from the wetness that streaked along it. And with a final huff of air, she tossed away her inhibitions, curled up against the concrete and brick, and let herself get lost in the feeling.

She just needed a moment.

  


**Author's Note:**

>   

> 
> As always, I'm always open to feedback and comments. Thanks.
> 
> [My Tumblr](https://dreamsescapeus.tumblr.com/).


End file.
